Just over a year ago, you made a decision that would change my life forever. Despite our plans for the future and the promises you made, you walked out of my life.You walked away from my children. You decided you’d rather live the single life than have to answer to someone for your actions (some of them horrible), so you just walked away.
To say I was devastated is putting it mildly. I didn’t eat or sleep, hid from my friends for fear your name would be mentioned, stayed in my house away from everyone for months. I spent many nights just laying in my bed, afraid that if I left the safety of my room I would walk right to the knives and hurt myself with them. I knew I couldn’t, so I just hid.
I didn’t cry; I sobbed. Sometimes I couldn’t even breathe. As much as I tried to hide it from my children, sometimes I just couldn’t take it. Those were the times S shooed A away and re-assured him that Mommy was okay. Having taken care of her little brother, she then came to sit with me until I cried myself to sleep. My 12-year-old daughter got stuck taking care of me because of you. She never asked what happened; she already knew. I suppose that is because you had done it before. She knew how happy I was with you, how much I loved you, and how much it hurt that the life I thought I had was gone.
You left my little boy crying. He loved you. You let him get close, then when it wasn’t convenient for you anymore, just threw him away with me. S couldn’t believe you had walked out on us. I tried to cushion the blow by saying you decided you needed to focus on your own kids. She responded with, “but we’re like his kids. He takes care of us like we are his kids.” But it didn’t matter. Because you were only thinking of yourself. You could hurt me all you wanted, but when my children cry over you, that is unforgivable.
Looking back, I went through a horribly dark and scary time. I found myself in relationships where I actually wanted to be hit. Now I see it as the equivalent of cutting. I claimed I was trying a “domestic discipline” lifestyle and that I liked it. And, at the time, I did. Looking back I see how damaging that was and I am glad it didn’t work out with that man anyway. I had to find a way to release my pain, to let someone else take over my life for awhile. I needed to escape…
Well, here I am one year later, and I would like to tell you thank you. Now that my head is clear and I can see all that life has to offer, I realize my life is exponentially better without you in it. It took me a full year to get to this place, but I’m here. When I think too hard about it, I still cry, but those moments are becoming less and less. You don’t have control over me anymore.
I’ve become so much stronger than I ever was. I’ve broken free from making excuses for behavior from men that doesn’t build me up, but only causes me stress. I’ve learned to listen to my gut and to act on it. I’ve walked away from multiple possible relationships for legitimate reasons. I no longer sweep issues under the carpet or just hope it will go away. If something about a man does not work for me, my goals, my wants, my needs, I say so and gracefully move on.
At this time I am single. I do date, but I am far more picky about who I choose to spend my time with. I’m more careful about who I let into my heart, but the ones that I do are worth it. I am sure of myself, which attracts the kind of men I deserve to have in my life. I may be single for the rest of my life; it’s really not something I can predict. What, I do know, however, is that with you still in my life, my creativity would be stifled, I would be experiencing a crazy amount of stress, and my life would be on hold while you straightened out yours. Now that you are gone, and that I have finally recovered from the damage you caused, my life is back in my hands. Again, thank you for walking out. Although your motivation was purely selfish, it turned out to be the best thing you ever could have done for me.
And you know what they say…